credits to: www.reneenaturally.com
An author I recently spoke with
said that the best stories ever written always end in tragedy. Maybe it’s
because of the drama, or the melancholy, or the irony of how a hundred pages
back, the writer swept you off your feet, only to drag your emotions to a nose
dive because the two lovers never ended up together.
Such sweet torture and yet it is
something we oddly anticipate.
Young and naïve- At the age of
22, I felt like it was too obnoxious to be tagged as such. Yet now, I realize
that both words thoroughly describe who I am. Young, with so much promise for a
better life and career, yet gullible and easily manipulated by those who intend
nothing but to prove a worthless point. Naïve, with great passion and
idealistic views on love and life, yet inexperienced enough to never forget, to
believe in broken promises and to be used.
There will never be a valuable
reason for leaving. And even if there was, those who are left behind will
always see nothing but the unfairness of the choice made and the selfishness of
the person that made such choice. But for what it’s worth let me give you my
piece.
I apologize.
For not being as strong as I
think I was. Someone once told me this going away is my “defense mechanism” and
maybe he is right. This is my defense. This is how I cope and find myself
again. I admit, it is selfish and unfair to those I have to leave. And yet, it
has occurred to me that in order for me to be happy for others I have to be
happy too. In order for me to laugh and work hard and focus on the future, I have
to find what I lost… myself.
A good friend said, “Remember the
reasons why you’re here. This is for your family. For law school. For your
future.”
Thank you for constantly
reminding me about those goals. I will not forget them.
But see, beyond material things,
we want to be in one place because we also want to feel accomplished, we want
to belong, we want to be the best of who we can become. And if you are in a
place that does not make you feel good about yourself, a place that constantly
reminds you of how things used to be, of how painful it is not to be seen
worthy, it haunts you. It makes you restless and in the end you feel trapped.
And you wake up every single day of your life pretending to be someone else,
just so others can be comfortable around you. And that does not make you a
better person in any shape or form.
And you’re right. I have a lot of
growing up to do. Emotionally, I’m still that silly little girl who believes
that giving her all whenever love comes along is the greatest form of love. I
can pretend to buck up and say that I have moved on and I’m mature enough to
suck everything up but that’s the problem.
I AM PRETENDING.
No, I am not okay. No, I don’t
want to see this person happy. I want him miserable and in pain and I just want
this person to be out of my sight and my life.
I know you’ll say that “a person who is not
worth it should never make you leave.” And again you’re right. But I can’t
pretend to be happy for that person either. Because I am not.
And the moment that feeling
consumes me, I might do things that I will regret. Things that will destroy
other people’s relationships and lives and really, that’s not something I want
to add to my list of "achievements". Trust me, if I was a bad person I would. But
I’m not so I wouldn’t.
So here I am. Saying sorry once
again. Because I choose to be a better person. I choose to find and fix myself
before I become too hurt to do things I might regret doing. And I am so sorry
for hurting the people I care for very much. But turning into a monster is not
something I want to become, and in expense I will have to leave. This does not
mean the end. Not for anyone. Not even for him.
They say, if you miss someone:
call, message or simply tell them. It wouldn’t hurt.
I will miss all of you.
And if in any way you miss me
enough to see me, then you know where to find me. <3
