I will be back with better wings. :)

 

TIME.

                Yesterday, when I was meeting a few college friends at a coffee shop, one of my friends made me open a fortune cookie for somewhat desperation for good luck. Nonchalantly, I opened my cookie with no interest whatsoever in what message or common quote it had to relay. But for some reason, the little parcel did get my attention when it said the words that I guess was intentionally meant for me.

“Time is the wisest counselor.”

                Before we even talked about cookies and opening one that had a message in it, my friend and I were already in a conversation on how I needed some time off from everyone. The world has been pretty messed up lately, and by the time I figured that out, I was already pulled in by some black hole turning into some gray matter in the sky, lifeless and detached. For once in my life, I realized that the past year was a blur, a type of weird bliss where you can’t remember everything but only parts of it. My best friend even told me once that previously, it seemed that I “ninja’d” away from their lives because I was hardly seen by anyone. My life then was so fast-paced that taking a time off to be with high school or college friends was a luxury I could not afford. 

                 Being idle was never something I was good at since I was used to always being busy. But these past few weeks, I had so much idle time that I had to come up with my own busy things to do. I was doing things routinely that I entirely became a different person without even knowing it. Zombie like--- that would be the perfect term. I was lifeless, no emotions, and always dependent on others for happiness.

               

                 I was lonely. Back in the days, I enjoyed being alone. To me, shopping on my own was the best part of having no attachment. No one expects you to always be part of a team. Before, when I walked alone, I held my chin up. I was proud to be alone because I was happy. This time, however, I was afraid of being alone. I called my friends constantly for a dinner date or a quick conversation over the phone. I hardly went out without two or three friends, and I never ran out of topics to talk about because I didn’t want time to think, to ponder. But at the end of the day, I still get that odd feeling. No matter how many people I was with, the truth is, I was lonely.

                Then I figured it’s time to find myself again.

                I got caught up in so much that I started losing the sense of who I am. Time has always been good to me, but instead of growing up, I grew old and weary. The once perky, friendly, and confident part of me had long lost its way, and I have not seen them since. I no longer see myself anymore. That moment when I almost lost hope that everything will be okay, I realized it’s about time to change directions. I’m not one to lose battles, more so die in a petty fight. Now, I choose my battles well, and whether I bleed or struggle, every pain makes me feel stronger, braver, bolder. 

                “Knowing you? Kaya ra kaayo ni nimo!”---the line all my friends tell me. And I thank them for always believing that I can become better. Whether they said that just to make me feel good or if they did really mean it, I am thankful. These are the words I’ll be bringing when I leave. 

                Now, time is all that I need, and given the circumstances that I’m in, I am grateful that I was given the opportunity to clear my head. When I go, I’ll be bringing along nothing but time and hope that whatever I do, at this point, will help me bring back who I really was---who I really am. When I do come back, please greet with open arms, like I never left. Because whatever the result maybe, I will always come back, always. Home is where the heart is, and as I leave my heart here, I wish to find myself too. 

                I will come back, and when I do, I will be become greater, smarter, and then I can laugh to my heart’s content again without pretense. I want to be happy in being alone too. That’s who I really was, never afraid of being alone because it makes me happy. So until then, thank you, and consider this my good-bye letter too. Sorry for not telling you ahead. But until then . . . :)