A pinch of hurt, a hint of pain and the sting of truth

credits to: http://www.alonequotes.net/2012/09/sad-alone-girl-in-love-quotes.html

  

 __________________________________________________

 

I FELL FOR YOU.

The world will know it. And you will too.

It’s going to be impossible to see you in a different light from now on. I can pretend that everything is okay. I can laugh and smile. But the laughter will be hollow, and the smile empty.

You can rephrase and repeat the reasons why. You can apologize a thousand times if you want.

What I don’t understand is how.

If I matter so much, how can you hurt me without preamble?

If you want to be a significant part of my life, how can you wait for me to fall for you?

See, the letting go part I get. Maybe because I figured it will happen eventually.

What I don’t understand is this: How can someone claim to make you happy and never hurt you and then make you feel so guilty for falling for them?

I am mad. And I do hate you. I really do.

Because if we just stuck with the plan of being friends this would have never happened.

I hate you. But I hate myself too.

I hate myself for hoping we could have been something greater than what we already were.

And maybe you’re right, I have so much to learn and maybe the way I love is wrong and immature. But this is how I love. This is how I am. I always give everything because I don’t want to have any regrets in the end. And maybe it’s wrong to do that but I can’t change the way I love people. It’s either they accept it or they don’t. You didn’t. That was your choice.

What pains me is you changed everything I believed in. You didn’t give me the chance to fight for you. And maybe that’s what breaks me. That I couldn’t show you how much I can be worth the risk. That maybe if you took a leap of faith with me it could be different. You didn’t give me the chance to give my all. And that’s what saddens me.

She is lucky.

To have someone who can let go of someone else for her. I’m envious because I’ve never had someone leave someone else for me. But hopefully, they never have to. Because being left behind is the worst feeling anyone can ever experience. And she’s lucky she doesn’t have to go through the same thing I’m going through.

You want to make things right. And I’m the wrong part of your life.

You don’t want to make a mistake. And I’m the mistake you had to weed out.

You don’t want me to be part of your life. I guess the feeling is mutual now.

I’ve never met someone who could put me that low. And maybe I deserve all those words so I can see my worth. I just can’t reconcile the thought that someone so close to me can become a total stranger. I feel like I’ve cared for someone I have never met.

You ask too much of me. I am strong but I’m not stone.

You said sorry so many times so let me give you mine.

I’m sorry but I will never forgive you.

I’m sorry but I will never be happy for you.

I’m sorry but we can never be good friends like you asked.

I’m sorry but you can never be part of my life, not anymore.

The minute you asked me to let you go, you lost me. And you can never have me back. Not even as a friend. Never.

And yes I am bitter. And I will always be, maybe because I have so many “what if’s” that will not be answered.

But this is what you want, even if you tell me it isn’t, this is how it should end. You asked me to walk away; you’re getting everything you asked for. Good for you.

I want to end this by saying I’ll be over you, and that I’ll be stronger and better, but I’d be lying to myself. Right now I’m a wreck and maybe I will be for a while. But that’s part of what I got myself into.

I love you.

I never had the chance to say it. Maybe I didn’t want to scare you away. We were hanging on a thin thread and I didn’t want things to break because of those three words. I guess I didn’t have to. We were already broken in the first place. Ironic isn’t it?

 

Dandelions-- they fly pretty.

We all have our own reasons as to why we do things.

We eat to make our tummy happy.

We sing to release stress or express ourselves.

We write to inspire others.

Whatever our reasons are, the only one who can completely understand why we do what we do is ourselves.

Many questions were raised when I announced one night at a get together that I was getting a tattoo.

Why now?

Why go through the pain of getting one?

Don’t you know it’s permanent? What if it doesn’t go the way you intended?

Why dandelions?

Why do they become birds?

I was bombarded with so many questions I couldn’t even answer any of them. At that point, I was starting to question my own decision of getting inked. I guess all those worries my friends had, started creeping in and it made me feel like I was doing the wrong thing.

Despite all that, the day of my appointment finally came. And without preamble, I decided to pursue getting my tattoo.

Many were surprised. Shocked. Proud. Creeped out. Or plainly didn’t care. But for those who have their questions unanswered, let me lay it out for you:

I’ve always wanted to get inked. –  There is no further explanation to it. It’s not about being cool or being able to endure pain. It’s about having something permanent to remind you of what you are and who you intend to be. We all have our own ways of doing it, it just so happens that this is how I express mine.

Why dandelions? – Dandelions are a symbol of youth and hope. When I grow old, I want to be reminded of my youth and about not losing faith in everything I do. Failures will always be part of life, but my tattoo encourages me to be stronger and braver after every down fall.

I can make a longer explanation about everything, but to be honest I don’t think I need to. You can all make your own assumptions as to why people do what they do but in the end they don’t really matter.

For me, I got inked because I wanted to. Period.

The rest is for you to figure.

5/4/12

 

Credits to: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jfraissi/3778576395/

 

 

I was rained on tonight.

So many cabs passed by while I was waiting for the rain to stop.

And somehow, I wished you would be riding one of them.

Maybe you’d see me through your window.

And maybe then you’d remember me too.

I feel really silly, and stupid.

It’s been a month but I’m still scared of seeing you.

I’m scared that I might beg for you to come back again.

Scared that my efforts of avoiding you for a month will go to waste.

They say time heals everything.

How much time do I need? Because even now, I can still feel the pain.

I am still in love.

And it hurts, knowing that everything we had was a lie.

Crying doesn’t seem to do any good anymore.

I feel like a part of me has been emptied out and I can never regain what I lost.

Tell me, if time heals everything, how much more do I need to waste?

How much more do I need to endure? Because I’m growing weary of doing the right thing for you.

Help me.

I’m starting to get really tired now too.

 

The lens that captivated my brother

My cousin brought his DSLR camera on our vacation last May. And for some reason, my brother had the itch to take random photos of beautiful things that make you appreciate the simple things in life. I twitched a few of them, But here you go! :)

I will be back with better wings. :)

 

TIME.

                Yesterday, when I was meeting a few college friends at a coffee shop, one of my friends made me open a fortune cookie for somewhat desperation for good luck. Nonchalantly, I opened my cookie with no interest whatsoever in what message or common quote it had to relay. But for some reason, the little parcel did get my attention when it said the words that I guess was intentionally meant for me.

“Time is the wisest counselor.”

                Before we even talked about cookies and opening one that had a message in it, my friend and I were already in a conversation on how I needed some time off from everyone. The world has been pretty messed up lately, and by the time I figured that out, I was already pulled in by some black hole turning into some gray matter in the sky, lifeless and detached. For once in my life, I realized that the past year was a blur, a type of weird bliss where you can’t remember everything but only parts of it. My best friend even told me once that previously, it seemed that I “ninja’d” away from their lives because I was hardly seen by anyone. My life then was so fast-paced that taking a time off to be with high school or college friends was a luxury I could not afford. 

                 Being idle was never something I was good at since I was used to always being busy. But these past few weeks, I had so much idle time that I had to come up with my own busy things to do. I was doing things routinely that I entirely became a different person without even knowing it. Zombie like--- that would be the perfect term. I was lifeless, no emotions, and always dependent on others for happiness.

               

                 I was lonely. Back in the days, I enjoyed being alone. To me, shopping on my own was the best part of having no attachment. No one expects you to always be part of a team. Before, when I walked alone, I held my chin up. I was proud to be alone because I was happy. This time, however, I was afraid of being alone. I called my friends constantly for a dinner date or a quick conversation over the phone. I hardly went out without two or three friends, and I never ran out of topics to talk about because I didn’t want time to think, to ponder. But at the end of the day, I still get that odd feeling. No matter how many people I was with, the truth is, I was lonely.

                Then I figured it’s time to find myself again.

                I got caught up in so much that I started losing the sense of who I am. Time has always been good to me, but instead of growing up, I grew old and weary. The once perky, friendly, and confident part of me had long lost its way, and I have not seen them since. I no longer see myself anymore. That moment when I almost lost hope that everything will be okay, I realized it’s about time to change directions. I’m not one to lose battles, more so die in a petty fight. Now, I choose my battles well, and whether I bleed or struggle, every pain makes me feel stronger, braver, bolder. 

                “Knowing you? Kaya ra kaayo ni nimo!”---the line all my friends tell me. And I thank them for always believing that I can become better. Whether they said that just to make me feel good or if they did really mean it, I am thankful. These are the words I’ll be bringing when I leave. 

                Now, time is all that I need, and given the circumstances that I’m in, I am grateful that I was given the opportunity to clear my head. When I go, I’ll be bringing along nothing but time and hope that whatever I do, at this point, will help me bring back who I really was---who I really am. When I do come back, please greet with open arms, like I never left. Because whatever the result maybe, I will always come back, always. Home is where the heart is, and as I leave my heart here, I wish to find myself too. 

                I will come back, and when I do, I will be become greater, smarter, and then I can laugh to my heart’s content again without pretense. I want to be happy in being alone too. That’s who I really was, never afraid of being alone because it makes me happy. So until then, thank you, and consider this my good-bye letter too. Sorry for not telling you ahead. But until then . . . :)